I almost emotionally abused myself
I almost emotionally abused myself the other night for doing something “weird”.
It was 9 pm on a Tuesday night and I found myself, enthralled in deep joy, writing an essay for a symposium and the subtle way it collapses timelines.
But as I continued, fascinated by what felt to me like a revolutionary discovery, a voice in my head began to creep in:
“Why are you being weird? Is this what you call ‘fun’ these days? You know, normal people don’t casually sit down at night to bullshit themselves on quantum and astrophysics. Quit being weird. This is not normal.”
Immediately upon hearing that voice, I diverted my gaze from the words on the screen. Ashamed. Guilty for doing what I was doing. Guilty for being the way I was.
Have you ever been in this scenario? You’re just doing you, minding your own business, daring to dive into your personal interests, only for the voice in your head to guilt-trip you because you could “be doing something more important & productive with your life”?
That’s where I found myself, about to feel the scarring sting of shame lashing at my back.
Then something miraculous happened.
The Voice
I didn’t believe the voice immediately. That, in and of itself, can be groundbreaking; the recognition that you don’t have to believe everything you think.
But I went further:
I questioned whether the voice matched my inner truth & values.
I questioned whether it was even my own voice talking to me.
And so I asked myself:
Do I believe that voice to be absolutely & undeniably true? That I can be doing something better with my life right now?
In what ways can that NOT be true?
And an electrified answer came through.
I’m writing seeking knowledge of self. I write to understand myself better. Knowledge is power and knowledge of self is self-empowerment.
I believe that knowledge of self is one of the best things we can do not only for ourselves but for our relationships, our friends and family, and the communities we belong to.
Imagine having the capacity to properly verbalize your thoughts and feelings. Imagine being able to tell which ones are your own thoughts and not something you’ve been regurgitating from someone else. Imagine how much miscommunication, conflict, hurt, chaos can be avoided if people knew themselves better and were self aware of their own behavior. Of why they do what they do.
Not because people should be held to an impossible standard of perfection, but because the world is built on relationships and relationships greatly depend on how well we can communicate and navigate around our needs, expectations and conflicts that naturally arise along the way.
And this absolutely matters to me.
That is why I invest time in these “weird” things of mine. It makes me a better person. And when I’m better, everything that I belong to is naturally enhanced by it.
My relationships matter to me. Why I do what I do matters to me. That’s why I’m here, enjoying every bit of this purposeful moment. Fun & purpose are not mutually exclusive.
Did you catch the miracle?
Did you notice how I took my power back?
Once I confidently confronted the shaming voice with the sincerity of my truth, it didn’t say a word back. And I continued writing my essay, with even purpose than before — and it was even way more fun than before!
